Information for Parents
As a parent you play a significant role in:
- helping to protect your children from sexual violence
- creating a supportive and healing space for them if they are victimized
- raising children in an environment where they are less likely to sexually violate others.
HOW CAN I PROTECT MY CHILD FROM SEXUAL ABUSE?
Minimize opportunities for offenders
Ensure that safety precautions are in place to protect your child at school, church, clubs or other activities—especially those involving special trips and overnight outings. Have the adults in these organizations undergone background checks? Are adults ever alone with children? If yes, when and why?
Stay involved in your child’s activities—attend little league practices and piano recitals, volunteer to chaperone for trips or dances. Meet your child’s teachers, coaches, and activity leaders. Keep track of where, and with whom, your child is if s/he is not with you.
Be alert for adults or adolescents, particularly males, who display an unusual interest in children. While the attention may be innocent, it is simply not worth the risk to allow a person access to your child who:
- seems more interested in spending time with children than with his own peers,
- seems focused on children of a particular age or gender (especially if the person does not have children of that age),
- singles out a child for special attention, gifts, or favors,
- wants to take a child on special outings without others present, or seems eager to spend alone-time with a child,
- invites children into his home unsupervised,
- allows or encourages children to do “grown up” things—especially things they are not allowed to do at home
Talk to your child
Give your child the clear message that her body is her own and that she does not have to submit to unwanted touches by anyone—including family members and authority figures. Allow her to decide whether she wants to give Grandma a kiss, be tickled by Brother, or sit on Uncle’s lap--and back her up in those decisions.Regularly reinforce through words and actions that you want to know about what is going on in your child’s life and that you will listen and help in any way you can if he has a problem.Specifically discuss the topic of sexual abuse with your child so she knows what it is--and that it’s okay to talk to you about it. (For age-appropriate ways to discuss sexual abuse with children, refer to resource list below)Help your child identify other people he might be able to go to with a problem if he didn’t feel comfortable coming to you.
Be aware of signs of child sexual abuse
Children who experience sexual abuse are often too frightened or confused to tell anyone—but they may indicate that something is wrong by their behavior. The behaviors listed here are general indicators that a child may be experiencing problems—although not necessarily sexual abuse. Use this list as a tool for identifying areas of potential concern. Then calmly talk to your child to find out more about what is going on in her or his life. Take note of:
Physical Signs:
In the majority of sexual abuse cases, no physical signs are apparent. When physical evidence does exist in may take the form of the symptoms listed below. Consider taking your child to a doctor for evaluation and treatment if you observe:
• Redness, swelling, irritation of the genitals
• Bleeding or tearing around the anus or vagina
• Discomfort sitting or using the bathroom
• Frequent yeast or urinary-tract infections
• Unusual discharge from the anus or vagina
• Soreness, redness in the mouth and throat
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Pregnancy
Behavioral Signs:
Children who experience sexual abuse are often too frightened or confused to tell anyone—but they may indicate that something is wrong by their behavior. The behaviors listed here are general indicators that a child may be experiencing problems—although not necessarily sexual abuse. Use this list as a tool for identifying areas of potential concern. Then calmly talk to your child to find out more about what is going on in her or his life. Take note of:
• Abrupt changes in your child’s behavior
• Regression to previously outgrown behaviors (thumb-sucking, bedwetting)
• Nightmares, fearfulness or clinginess
• Sudden shyness around adults or reluctance around a particular adult
• Anger problems, fighting, cruelty towards others, delinquency
• Withdrawal, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Unusual level of modesty or body-shame, wearing loose-fitting clothing, or multiple layers of clothing even in the summer, extreme reluctance to change or shower around others (ie: for gym class)
• Running away
• Alcohol or drug use
• Self-mutilation (cutting or burning)
• Eating disorders
Sexual Signs:
Some sexually abused children exhibit sexual behavior problems. Not all sexual behavior in children is abnormal--children are naturally curious about their bodies and those of other people. It is relatively common for children to play “doctor” or other games involving looking at and touching genitals. Children also discover that their genitals feel good, and even very young children may rub their genitals. Therapists can be a good resource for clarifying whether a particular behavior is of concern—and treating children with sexual behavior problems. Generally, a behavior may be of concern if:
• The child seems unable to stop the behavior when redirected by adults - or is interested in the activity to the exclusion of other age-appropriate interests
• There is a significant disparity in age or size of the children involved
• The children involved do not know each other or do not have a prior history of playing together
• One or more of the children use force, coercion, or manipulation to get the others to cooperate
• The behavior mimics or illustrates knowledge of explicit adult sexual behavior (imitating sexual intercourse, oral sex, penetration of vagina or anus with objects)
• Children seem overly secretive or ashamed about the behavior
• Children behave seductively towards adults
Comments or Statements:
When children do try to tell adults about sexual abuse, they may not have the language to accurately describe what is happening. They may use language that is indirect or ask for help without telling you why. If the child’s meaning is unclear, calmly ask for clarification without putting words in the child’s mouth (ie: “Tell me more about that,” instead of “Do you mean Danny touched you on your private parts?”). Pay attention to statements like the following:
• He fooled around with me.
• I don’t like to be alone with my father.
• I’m afraid to go home tonight.
• Will you help me go live with my aunt?
• I don’t like it when we play the “mommy-daddy game.”
• He made me touch his thingie.
Learn More
Continue to educate yourself and look for opportunities to educate others in the community about perpetrator tactics and ways adults can protect children. Some great resources available from the WCASA Library include:
Predators--Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders; Who They Are, How They Operate, and How We Can Protect Ourselves and Our Children by Anna C. Salter, Ph.D, Basic Books, 2003
He Told Me Not To Tell; A Parents’ Guide For Talking to Children About Sexual Assault By Jennifer Fay, King County Sexual Assault Resource Center, 1991
Kids Helping Kids {Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse} By Linda Lee Foltz, Lighthouse Point Press, 2003
Supporting Child Victims of Sexual Violence
Children are most commonly sexually abused by someone they know and trust. When these acts occur within a family, the sexual abuse is called incest. There may be a single occurrence, but most likely the abuse will continue over a period of time, often for years. The abuse generally begins with acts such as fondling. The child is coerced and manipulated into remaining silent. Victims are terrified of revealing the abuse due to confusion, guilt, and fear of being blamed, punished, or not believed.
What can I do if I learn my child has been sexually abused?
Stay calm. Your child will be relieved to know that you are concerned, but a display of strong negative emotions may frighten her and cause her to feel that she is in trouble or that she has caused you to become upset.
Let your child know that you believe him, that you’re glad he told you, and you will do your best to protect and support him.
Write down the specific statements your child makes (in his own words) and make note of any other behaviors you observe.
Avoid interrogating your child for details. If you have reason to believe that she has been sexually abused, contact a child protection center and have an investigator conduct an interview. They are trained to gather information in ways which avoid unnecessary trauma to the child—and which enhance the integrity (and potential admissibility) of the child’s statements.
Do not confront someone you believe to be an abuser. Instead, notify people who can help you and your child, such as a child protection center, the police or child protective services.Find help and support at your local sexual assault advocacy center.
How can I help my child heal from sexual abuse? Parents of an abused child often have a natural inclination towards extreme protectiveness. For your child, however, this can shut down potential opportunities for growth and send the unintentional message that she is damaged or different. It is always a good idea to establish safety precautions, but allow your child to be a normal child.Return to a normal routine as quickly as possible.With support, children who have been abused can heal and move beyond the experience of abuse. Therapists and/or support groups can be valuable allies in supporting your child through this process.Consider getting help and support for yourself. Parents often experience grief, rage, guilt, and other reactions to a child’s victimization. Counselors and/or support groups can help you express and work through these feelings—and help you to in turn provide support to your child.
What Parents Can Do to Help End Sexual Violence
- Teach your children about healthy sexuality and healthy relationships.
- Discuss the many mixed messages your child recieves through mass media each and every day.
- Carefully control and monitor what your children are consuming, such as T.V., movies, music, and internet.
- Refuse to purchase magazines, videos and music that protray others in a degrading or violent manner.
- Speak up if your child makes a sexist joke, bullies others or practices gender or sex discrimination.
- Understand how your own attidutes and behaviors perpetuate sexism, violence, racism and homophobia.
- Mentor young boys about how to be men in ways that don't hurt themselves or others.
- Mentor young girls to be empowered and understand the realities of living in a rape culture.
- Partner with your kids in writing letters to companies that promote unhealthy sexuality through the media demanding that they stop.
- Teach your children what do to if they are ever a bystander to situations that are, or could become, sexually abusive.
- Teach them what to say when one of their friends makes a joke that supports the rape culture.
- These are just a few ideas to help parents understand their role in ending sexual violence. For more ideas please see "So What's The Solution?"
